Let's Be Real

This blog serves as a vehicle for friends in other states to know how things are going with my cancer treatment, but I also want it to help others who might be new to breast cancer, to learn from my experiences and know they’re not alone in their journey through hell.

In following that mission, I want to address something that’s more of a social side effect of cancer/chemo. Sorry to those of you who like my more optimistic-toned posts, but it’s time I get this off my chest.

When I first was diagnosed and people around me learned of my “condition”, the news spread beyond those I told in person—it traveled to friends I rarely talk to, acquaintances, and everyone at work (including people who I’d never share my Netflix queue with, let alone my personal medical information with). But I guess that’s how it goes. News travels, good or bad.

So what do I do with those people? People who are suddenly nice to me but who were oblivious to me 3 months ago. Oh sure, I could take the high road and just reciprocate the attention (and I do), but it’s just so fake. It feels like they’re saying, “You didn’t matter at all to me before, but now that you’ve been struck with a serious illness, I’d like to be friendly so I don’t feel guilty if you die”. And conversely, I’m basically saying, “I didn’t like you before either but now that you’re all friendly and in my face, I can’t be an asshole and ignore you so instead let’s be fake friendly.” So interesting how cancer brings people together.

The other group of people who’ve come out of the woodwork and know more about my medical history than I’m comfortable with, are relatives I don’t keep in contact with. We all have those relatives that we’ve grown apart from who we used to see regularly as a kid (and maybe idolized even) but have now become crazy, right-wing, religious pushing, baby-centric, homophobic, deer hunting, animal chewers. Or, maybe it’s just mine. Whatever types your long-lost relatives are, I’m sure you can relate—they’re long-lost for a reason. And how do you deal with someone with whom you haven’t spoken or seen in years (and even then, the last time you did see them, it was the typical forced ‘I-know-nothing-about-you-so-let’s-talk-about-your-kids-and-the-weather’ conversation)?   

Again, I could appreciate their extended hand and allow their well-wishes and prayer promises to fill my heart (and then blog about how I real feel). But the reality is that not only does this seem fake to me—because neither of us has been there for the other in past life-changing celebratory or tragic times. Let alone just staying in contact and knowing anything real about one another. What happens after I’m cured of cancer (there’s my rainbow of optimism)—are we friends now? Do we over look the glaring differences in our social, religious, and moral values? It’s just not realistic, especially for me. I have amazing friends that I love; who are shepherds of the earth; activists for the animals; who have jobs where they help sick people, fight for human rights, shed blood, sweat and tears for animals in need everywhere; that I don’t see, talk to or write to nearly enough. Am I really going to keep a relationship going with someone I don’t respect and have nothing in common more than our family history?  

Call me cynical, close-minded or judgmental if you will. But this is me and one thing I’ve learned is to give my love and attention to those who fill me with happiness, rather than bring conflict and moral corruption. I choose to surround myself with people who love and respect me for who I am everyday and not just on cancer-diagnosis day.